I can’t remember the last occasion
I told my mum
Something meaningful about myself.
I must look pristine and clean;
Free of scars,
An imaginary android: beep. boop. bye.
It’s not that I won’t, it’s just that I don’t.
Half my fault;
There’s nothing stopping me now –
Except a lifetime of awkward distance;
And the fear that we’ve missed it.
Your new man and I butted heads
I told you so
And you were compelled to decide:
Jealous child or the man in your bed.
Not angry, not really;
Just feel you chose the wrong side.
I knew he was selfish, and a bit of a snake;
Hard to describe
When you’re five; with nothing at stake.
He was a gaslighting control freak and cock
Did you put chilli in the mince?
And part of me’s glad he can now barely walk.
Paid me off to prevent affection;
Not that I blame you:
I steered myself in the right direction;
Raised by friends and experimentation –
Until emotions, then hesitation.
Can’t remember the last catastrophe,
I said ‘I love you’
Or even felt snug in a comforting hug.
Could well be mistaken, this stance that I’m taking,
Is he still married?
But part of me knows, we’ll just always be waiting.